Dissolution

Hey! You say-
I’ve got a lovely idea.
Envision this beautiful future-
And I can see it, sugar-crusted, a sunny day
A couple of curly haired kids
Swings, laundry, laughter, tears
We want it all, we say
Diapers, long nights, a mortgage
A house- with stairs, a new fridge,
Washer and dryer on the main floor
I want you -  you said.

We say all that, but here we go
Horrible messy monsters
We flail, flop, fuck a little
Talk too much probably
Share our feelings and hurt the other
Share the hurt and wound again
Honey bubbled future crusts over, flakes

I should be careful when I really want someone
That I don’t mistake the person for someone else
Another me, a better monster
A kinder family than the one I can from.

courage

Let us all remind ourselves
Of the fierceness we have known
Before we knew we were brave
Before we knew we felt fear

That time on the boat? When the nav went dark and the captain went below?
And you stood on the deck and steered in the night,
Eyes locked on Orion’s Belt,
Singing to the sky?

Or what about that summer
When I sunburned my breasts climbing the Mesa
And wheeled with eagles, and camped under a rainbow full moon?

Or chanting in the dugout sweat lodge in the desert
Ember lit, slippery sweat, then midnight sex on the ground
With a long haired bicyclist whose name you never learned?

I knew my mettle when I went swimming in a chilly blue lagoon on Gozo
Fought off an old man who wanted to kiss me
And ran up a cliffside
On the seventh day of a twelve day fast.

And I remember when you pulled your hat down
Retracing our path through winding cobblestone alleys
While a shadowy figure followed us.
You were solid gold armor, man.
You were steely as hell.

In the realm of hungry ghosts

SUcker punch kisser
Rift in the middle
Of a one-hit wonder
Oh you lover biter motherfuxker
Paper bag puncher
Make me piece together love
Tell me you’re scared to live your life
Double hitter, double edged mister
Sword sometimes limp noodle
What would do it? Why did I do it?
Fall in love, on purpose,
With someone like you.

Be stronger than this be bigger than your feelings be smarter than where you came from do this for me do this for you do this for the kids you say you want
I’ll be stronger than this I will be bigger than these feelings I will be smarter than where I came from I will do this for you I will do this for me I will do this for the kids we say we want

How long they cry
And what was the meaning of that last word you said enter enter in return
Where does an erection go forward?
And does it fall and did you fall and did we fall in love?
Where is the wimp the limp dick where is the old man? Where is the promised?
 And what shades of Rose will you bring me? Where will you become uncomfortable enough? Delete? I’m done with puppies.
I’m done with dirty shoes.
Golden ticket? Better we think it.

You were the first hope the last Hope the only boy in the wind

Terrible shepherds

We were terrible Shepherds sweatered up booted shouting we hissed and stomped and laughed and swore and 100 head of sheep turned tail and flocked all the way home without us
The next day we climbed Mount Parnassus and looked for the oracles cave there was a field there dugout like a pit stonewalls for spectators to peer down from
Ground thick with wet grass and dew
you and me lilah we raced on foot heart pounding wind whipping

I forget who won
I forget if there was a Theatre there or where was the Oracle anyway
And did we play backgammon with a cute Greek boy on the mountaintop or did we eat lentils
Is the word for lentils in Greek really fuck yes
And do I remember correctly that you picked at your food and that our host gave us blue beads that had belonged to his wife and we taught him to read his Tarot cards
And did you really read me The Little Prince  every night before we fell asleep
Did we walk up the mountain or walk down
Or did some good shepherd give us a ride home?

With a humdrum skip with a heartbeat thud
You’re up
Cat paw purring and despair washing fresh-stale-fresh long day looming I could just eat you up
Remember Goree Island?
Cobblestone streets and
Pink red orange yellow stucco
There was wrought iron
Terra cotta
Geraniums for Gods sake
Beauty that was instantly recognizable
And at the end of the island the unspeakable prison, the point of no return, the farthest point west on the African continent, real Abandon all Hope
And down on the beach, by the boats, a little girl who hands you a shell
And she won’t go in the water
The water eats people.

I need to keep moving
My dumb sadness has nothing on the weight of the world -
Or it joins it, another feather fluff-drifting down to land on an unweighable mountain of grief
People sell each other, the water eats people, my stomach hurts, the world will never be enough for you, I’ll never be enough for anyone, no one is immune
Like a pink sky, like an old tree, it keeps unfolding
The world hurts; we’re part of it.

For Lynn

Positive affirmations

That would be the day.
You should see the day.
This could be the day.
This could be my lucky day.

We could start a garden.
We could be a garden.
I could be a garden.
You could start my garden.

I have been a rose.
You have arisen.
I get a rise out of you.
And off we go.

There have been mornings
I have awoken on a boat
In a fog
Head throbbing

One husband, then two.
I would be a lover.
I could be your lover.
I could love you so good
If you would just
Get out
Of the way.

I used to end every poem
The same way I began it
Light candles over the phone
Cry through windowsills.

 Now I dream of a good mortgage
A morning without terror
And I know I’ll never be enough.
I could be enough for you.
I could be enough for me.
That would be the day.